| Sorry this is so long but it's basicly all of my Christmas break. It's mainly me venting. I didn't have an internet connection so Word became my best friend.
I don’t know if I could feel any worse this Christmas. It was beautiful and I loved spending time with my family, especially since we didn’t argue. But I had the worst dream last night it made me so sick to my stomach I couldn’t even look at my bed once I woke up. Brad had cheated on me. He’s in Florida right now. He won’t answer or return my phone calls since he got there. I’ve been trying to call ever since I got home on Monday. I heard about a plain crash that was in Florida but had left from the Bahamas. I knew he wasn’t on it but 19 were killed and I was still worried. My cell phone, the only one his mom has a number to, has been broken. I kept thinking something has happened and no one can get in touch with me. I even left my phone number on his machine and assured him or whoever would hear it that it would be ok to call the house, just incase. I even said I was worried. He never answered his phone finally I told myself he probably just left it at home, he’s fine. But he finally answered yesterday morning. The conversation went something like this. “hello?” “hi, I’m glad you’re ok.” “yeah I’ve been partying every night.” “oh… How’s your family?” “Fine.”……………then he said something I couldn’t understand. “what did you say?” “nothing I was talking to my brother’s roommate.” “Oh, you’re staying with your brother?” “Yeah, right now, I’m staying with who ever I can…my mom, my dad, my brother” “Oh……..well I better go, I’m supposed to go shopping with my mom.” Ok, bye” “Bye” then he hung up. No “I love you.” No “no you hang up first” no “I miss you” no nothing. Then Last night I had my dream, no, nightmare. Since he was away, he thought I wouldn’t find out. So he cheated on me with two girls, a blond and a brunet. When he came back he broke up with me to be “free.” He had decided dating several girls at once was the way to go, and he hadn’t wanted to break up with me over the phone and so far away. He just looked at me like I was nothing. I tossed and turned all night, and I usually a very sound sleeper. I even woke up early and had no desire to go back to sleep. I just kept picturing him and those girls. The only song that I keep hearing in my head is Alanas Morsete’s song “you ought to know” “you look very well, things look peaceful, I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know. Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity? I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. It was a slap in the face how quickly I was erased and are you thinking of me when you fuck her. Cus the love that you gave wasn’t able to make it…And every time you speak her name does she know how you told me you’d love me until you die, ‘til you die, but I’m still alive. And I’m here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It’s not fair to deny me. For this cross I bear that you gave to me. You ought to know.” I called him tonight, partly to see if he would answer, partly to say merry Christmas. Of course he didn’t answer. I wish I knew what was wrong, or what I did. He used to complain that I didn’t call often enough. Maybe he changed his mind. But it’s not like I’m calling 20 times a day. Maybe I’m over reacting and he just wants to spend some uninterrupted time with his family. After all they don’t get to spend a lot of time all together. But I still don’t understand why he can’t seem to squeeze me in for a little bit when I call… or why he doesn’t call me just to say hi for that matter. Oh, what’s wrong. I’m completely cut off from the world with out my phone. I wish I could just ask a friend what to do. I can’t ask my parents because then they’ll start saying “well maybe we were right and you shouldn’t be with him” and if it’s really nothing then they might hold it over his and my head. Emily asked me what was wrong tonight and I told her I missed Brad, but she changed the subject and continued playing. I wish I had some one to talk to. Just saying that I missed him made me feel a little better. My heart hurts. I wonder if he’ll have a New Year’s kiss, and who she’ll be. He probably will. He’s very attractive, polite, a good kisser, and has been “partying every night” with his brother. I just remembered, he took his key back before I left Waco. I wonder if that was a sign. I wish I didn’t have to sleep in that same bed tonight. It just seems…defiled. I wish I could just jump ahead 10 years. I don’t like heart ache. Oh well. Until the next time I need to vent.
Day after Christmas
He answered. Good news is he didn’t cheat on me. Bad news he said he’s probably going to move back down to Florida. So yeah. It took everything in me to keep from breaking down and just bawling into the phone. But I kinda kept my cool and even stopped myself from going into hysterics. I’ve always thought that it’s a bad idea to try to change someone’s mind in these circumstances. Mainly because you look and sound like a fool and end up regretting making your self look like that later. He did say that it’s such a hard decision he’s trying to make choosing between me and Florida, where his family is. That seemed to make sense and I decided to encourage him to go to Florida, as long as he continues to pursue his school work; mainly because he told me once that if I every had to choose between him and my family, that I should choose my family, and I felt I should do the same for him. I also told him that we’d just be good friends. Well the conversation lasted for 22 minutes and I can’t really remember all that was said or even the order but that’s the jest of it. He seemed so apathetic and so unaffected by it. I think that’s what hurt the most. I feel kinda empty…and very speechless. What now? I think I’ll just cry some more. I don’t know what else to do. You know I had a bad feeling when I left Waco. Damn female intuition.
Wednesday/Thursday
My dad invited me to go to the Alamo bowl yesterday. He gets a box every year and takes up men from the bank and big clients. I went two years ago and had a blast. Any way one of the men canceled and I got to go in his place this year. I went to the bank today equipt with a pillow, a blanket, and knitting needles, and hopped on to a bus of all men and prepared for a four hour ride. The game was so much fun. Nebraska was playing Michigan and to my dismay Nebraska won. But I did get a lot of pictures. On the bus ride back I played poker for three hours with some of the guys. I won. Two hours into it I decided that my cure for breakup blues was football, poker, and a bus full of guys…even if they are all 30+ and mainly married. But as soon as we stopped playing all I could think of was Brad. I just don’t understand. I mean his decision was so sudden. I was able to eat a piece of fruit today. It’s only been water lately. Not by choice. But I just can’t stomach anything. I hope this doesn’t turn into a trigger.
Friday
I talked to Brad today for like 30min. about nothing in particular. He did ask me how I was doing. I thought that was the most stupid question. I said I’m ok, but I wanted to say “well, I have to keep telling myself to breath, but every once in a while I think about not. I’m miserable.” His voice clams me down. I don’t know why. After we hung up my mom tried to console me and somewhere in that process she said “I wouldn’t be surprised if he ask you to go to Florida with him at the end of the semester.” (out of context) I had to try so hard not to smile. The thought of hope made me happy.
I went to a party down the street tonight. It was HUGE! Honestly, this woman had sectioned off her entire cul-de-sac. There were intelligent lights out the wazoo, food and bars everywhere you looked, and over half of the city. It was her 75th birthday. I know her through my dad and she’s delightfully excentric. I told Haley to come too. She said that’s how she sees me in 50 years. Then we picked up Steph and went to a bar. It was nice, and cheep. I still have not been able to eat so I decided to take it slow. I got a beer. Then the guy at the next table gave me an extra beer that the waitress had given him. Then an annonamis guy at the bar bought all three of us shots. Haley got horney, Steph got mellow, and all I wanted to do was dance. And I did. It was a good night. I really needed to spend some quality girl time with my two oldest best friends. PS I’m drunk.
Sat/Sunday
My dream last night ended with me at Brad’s house with him and Romie. I don’t remember what was going on but I was getting ready to leave (he had his back to me) and I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him on the back. Then I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to do that anymore. So I grabbed my purse and ran out the door. Then I woke up. I hated it because it just made me depressed. I looked at my phone and saw Brad’s mom had called and wanted me to call her back. I got ready and went to Jenny Craig to pick up food. I had lost 5 and a half pounds in 5 days. Shelly my counselor said that that’s unusual and unhealthy. She was worried I had gone anorexic again. I told her I’d been sick. I really have tried to eat though. Anyway I now weigh 139.4lbs. When I left I called his mom. I love her, I feel so comfortable talking to her. She wanted to know how I was and all that. Then she said she didn’t know he had been serious when he mentioned moving back. I said it caught me off guard too and that he told me he wanted to be closer to his family. She said there’s more to the story. Apparently he was worried about me and my family and all the stress in my life and didn’t want to cause extra stress or tension. I said I hope that’s not the reason because he doesn’t cause extra stress. We’ve been arguing since I got my first opinion that was different from my parents, I think that was junior high. And my hair falling out has been happening since high school. She also told me how much he loves me and that he’d rather leave me then see me hurting. I immediately called Callie. She explained the difference between bad arguments and healthy arguments. It clicked and suddenly I couldn’t understand why I had made such a big deal out of it. I was happy today which is good because my Da’mom (my grand mother) and Uncle Tim and his two kids had come down. We opened Christmas presents and went swimming and just relaxed. It was fun but the two kids are so loud and so hyper. I was ready to go to sleep when they left at 11. I decided to call Brad first though and tell him Happy New Year. We talked for such a long time. And he repeatedly said he was really glad I called. I was too. He even called me babe. No “I love you” but I’ll take whatever I can get. I really hope I’m not setting myself up for another disappointment. That would suck; but I do like this newly found happy feeling I got after we hung up. He even flirted with me. I had to pinch myself. I still think I’ll wake up any minute now. I wish he’d stay. I wish we would stay together. I love my storybook romance. At least I got to spend my New Years with him (well kinda with him).Well I’m exausted. Goodnight. Oh by the way I was able to eat today. |
